Ramblings from a Starbucks....

It's that time of year again. Starbucks is transitioning from Pumpkin Spice Lattes to Peppermint Mochas, every department store looks like Buddy the Elf spent an overnight decorating, and the "Black Friday is coming" memes have started to spread. It's also that dark time of the year, both in the sense that we have to set the clocks back this weekend and in the sense that Election Day is upon us. Just when you thought the worst was behind us, the oh-not-another-Bush days, the hanging-chads-in-Florida, the Florida recount, etc. this year we are granted with the pleasure of deciding between, to say the least, two very different candidates. On the one hand, you have someone who has years of experience and has the decorum to deal with World leaders, and on the other you have, well, Donald Trump. It's like you are interviewing two people for a position, say in healthcare. Hillary would be the potential hire that had an impeccable resume, letters of recommendation from top physicians, and have credentials from top notch medical schools. Donald would be the guy who walks in and says 'hey, I fell the other day and put a Band-Aid on my knee, I'm practically a surgeon! I know that many people have a problem with Hillary because she is female, or used the wrong email account, or had to defend some pretty nasty people against some innocent victims. I am in no way making her out to be the next patron saint of America. But, she has experience. Has she always been perfect? Hell no. What president has been? Remember Vietnam? Watergate? Taft stuck in the bathtub? Or more recently, the invasion of Iraq? the financial crisis?

People who back Trump scare me. Seriously. It's like they are in an immature and abusive relationship. They are like, 'oh he says what is on his mind' and 'I can't really defend all of his actions', but they are willing to vote for him. That is the equivalent of the girl with the black eye deciding to stay with the person who gave her said black eye because 'he says he loves me'. The women that back him are probably the worst offenders. Words cannot be unsaid. Trump can't be like, 'let's nuke the middle east' and then respond hours later with 'jk jk jk.' after the bombs start dropping.

Then there is the question of 'freedom of choice'. Now let me just make it clear, I, personally, do not condone the use of abortion as a form of birth control. However, there are extenuating circumstances in which abortion should be allowed as an option. For example, rape. I have never had to undergo the experience, but I can only imagine the emotional and physical toll it takes on a person. That individual has been deprived of their most basic rights as a human being. To add insult to that kind of injury, they are left with an unwanted pregnancy. How are we, as other human beings, supposed to tell another person that 'it sucks you got raped, but now you have a baby coming, so good luck'. NO. The woman has already been tortured. Do not make her drudge through 9 months of constant reminders of the night in question. And I'm not saying that if you are raped you MUST have an abortion. I am just saying you should have the option. Another set of circumstances that should permit the option of abortion are severe financial distress and/or poverty. Republicans already don't like having to part with their hard-stolen I mean 'hard-earned' money to help those less fortunate. Think of the long term cost of forcing a child to be born into financial destitution. That child is born, and the mother has to apply for Medicaid and WIC, which are government funded based on taxes and such. As that child grows, they will need assistance with school lunches. Again, not saying that abortion should be used in all cases, but just playing a little devil's advocate with the wallets of the elites.

Education has and always will be a topic of discussion until our country finally figures out what works. I think it would be great for technical schools and community colleges to be tuition free. However, there are far more costs beyond simple tuition. I have recently hit that road block myself. Textbooks. For example, I am about to take 7 credits at the local technical school toward a degree in nursing. The cost of tuition is roughly $1200. One of the books/packets required for the class is priced at just above $2500. ?:!??! Now, I am lucky enough that myself and my husband work our asses off to be able to afford school. We were aptly prepared for the cost of tuition. But for the textbook? I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Do you know what could be done with $2500? Cause I've been thinking about it. For the equivalent of $2500, I could buy:

These pink Jimmy Choo's, and the same shoe in 3 other colors

This Louis Vuitton bag, and another for a friend.

This trip to Rome for me AND my husband, and another couple

I think you get the idea. But, on the upside, when I am finished with the nursing program, I should eventually be in a financial place that I can afford all of these things, much to the chagrin of my miser-ish husband. (Love you!!)

Anyway, I'm not really sure what my point was in writing this, but I just felt I needed to put down some thoughts and lighten my head a bit. Until next time...

The Downfall of Decorum

Once upon a time there was a groundbreaking social website known as Facebook. It was a wonderful place where college students could connect. Admission to this unique club was restricted to college students, who had to have a valid student email address to join. In those early days, reaching 100 friends was a milestone and there was no need for Farmville or fake accounts or bullying. However, more recently, I believe, it has hit a new low, along with many other social networking sites and the internet in general.

One of the reasons for my sudden surge of interest in the subject is my wonderful boyfriend, JP, who is a Brit whose lived in the US for the past 12+ years. We've often discussed how our society has moved downward morality-speaking and how our children are all too often the casualties. Bullying in schools has become rampant. Rumors went from word-of-mouth-distribution from person to person, and now can travel at the speed of light, if not faster. One click of the mouse or a touch of an enter key can truly destroy one person's reputation. And, at the end of the day, the only things we have are what we think of ourselves, and more distressing, what others think of us.

As a student of education I found that our schools are not what they once were. They were once a safe haven from the outside, a place where a student could turn when times were tough. Now, however, many have turned into a place of fear, leading to tormented souls, students who turn to homeschooling to avoid harassment, and worst of all, those individuals who feel there is no other option but suicide.

Am I the only one that feels this way? Does anyone else find the irony in the fact that the more 'evolved' electronically and technologically we become as a society, the more soul-less and moral-less we have also become? How about how our careers and relationships can be made or broken by a simple online post, comment, photo-shopped pic, etc? Please feel free to comment. I would love to get opinions from a variety of sources.

what does the movie Abduction, "Magic Eye" posters, icebergs, and earthquakes have to do with me?

While in this state of 'extended hiatus from the working world' (aka unemployment) I have had plenty of time to gather my thoughts and relax for more hours of the day than I ever thought possible. Not only have I been thinking, but also reading and watching movies. Sometimes you find inspiration in the strangest places, where at first glance they seem completely unrelated but then make perfect sense. Tonight's inspiration was the movie Abduction. For those unfamiliar with the movie, it's basically about this high school kid Nathan (Taylor Lautner) who, through a seemingly benign sociology assignment on missing children, discovers that his family and history is not quite what he thought it was.

This movie not only reminded me of certain aspects that are relevant to my own life, but also to those annoyingly popular "Magic Eye" posters from the '90s. I always hated seeing one of these things because it immediately drew everyone into it, and everyone shouting 'oh i see it!!!' and me pretending to figure it out, but never actually being able to see the damn hidden picture. It wasn't the first time I was unable to see what was right in front of me, the only thing I needed to do was to look a little closer to see the deeper picture.

From the "magic eye" posters I think about how sometimes you can look at something or someone familiar, something you have seen hundreds of times before and just know that something is not quite the same, just the least bit different, but you just can't quite put your finger on it. Then, when someone tells you what it is (so you like my new haircut?) you see it and think to yourself 'how on earth did I miss that'?

Furthermore, it brings me to the expression "just the tip of the iceberg" and the fact that you never quite know what is going on just below the surface just by looking at what is most obvious.

Most people would probably think what this has to do with the movie  Abduction and even more so what it has to do with my life. Well, first I would say that's because they don't know me well enough, but then I would add more explanation, after adding one more example of thoughts that arise. I have never been in an earthquake (knock on wood) but I have seen enough of them on television to know what they are all about. The basics of it are that there are these plates under the surface that, when they bump against each other, cause the earth above to shake and break (not to be confused with the pork chop seasoning brand shake and bake). Those living above ground may not have even realized a fault line was just below them until an earthquake hit. Others that know about the fault line are never quite sure when another one will hit. In between the earthquakes, everything seems sturdy. Buildings stay standing and streets are smooth. But then the moment arrives, when everything starts to shake. In that moment, whether the person knows about the fault line or not, no one knows exactly what is going to happen. How long will it last? How much destruction will it cause? Will my house still be in one piece?

Secrets, at least from my experiences, are a lot like fault lines. Those that know the secrets, like those that know the fault lines lying below the surface, are just holding their breath from moment to moment waiting for the moment to come when the earth begins to shake and the fault line makes itself known. For the ones the secrets are being kept from, they are like the people that have no idea there was a fault line until the earthquake occurred. Regardless of whether you are the secret keeper or the one from whom the secret is kept, or the know-er of the fault line or the caught-by-surprise earthquake survivor, one thing is sure: no one is ever the same. A fault line, like a secret, once exposed can never be hidden again.

Where am I going with this? Well, there is a lot more to me than meets the eye. The fault line has been discovered, and can never be re-hidden, but there are still people close to the fault line that are oblivious to it's existence. Like the person who can't quite put their finger on the slight difference in the appearance of a familiar object, I myself have had the experience of feeling as if something, however small, just didn't feel "right". And, in the way that the person responds once hearing what that difference is, I was dumbfounded by the fact that the truth had been staring at me all along, I just never knew it. I never looked further into the picture, never asked what it was that made me different. What differences would have been made to my current situation or even my very personality had I know the fault line was there all along?

So long 2011....Hello 2012

Tonight is far from my "usual" New Year's Eve. Well, in truth, I haven't had a really interesting or exciting New Year's Eve since we left New Jersey. But this year is quite different. My youngest sister is spending the holiday with her dad back in NJ, and my middle sister, who was supposed to stay here through the weekend, left yesterday with her boyfriend, because, well, we don't exactly all get along. But that's another story entirely. So here it is, 10:30ish EST on New Years Eve, and my mom and I are lounging on the couch in pajamas, flipping through the varying televised celebrations.

There is one bright spot, however, is that thanks to the powers of the internet and Skype, I can talk to the wonderfully amazing man JP that, although he is thousands of miles away, feels like he is right here.



*Note: I started writing this blog New Year's Eve. I intended to add on to it the next day, but haven't so I am posting it as-is.

Memory

I have kind of a strange memory. Not that anyone's memory can ever be perfect. There are just certain points in time and bits and pieces that I can remember clearly to this very day. Yet, if you ask me what I had for lunch last Tuesday, a guess would be as close as the truth. Why do I bring this up now? Well, a few reasons. Mainly it's because I've been home-a lot-lately and it's beginning to take a toll on me. In the beginning it was easy because I had school stuff to do and what not but as that winds down I have more and more time to ---think. And not just the day to day thinking-about-what-i-want-to-make-for-breakfast or the i-have-to-check-facebook-again thinking. It's the deep thinking. The scary thinking that looms in the shadows of my mind amid the anxieties and panic attacks. 

One such memory was triggered recently and this is an example of how my memory can be. See if you can keep up with this runaway train of thought: 

It is now towards the end of November. It's technically Thanksgiving actually because where I live it is currently 1:27 a.m. Thanksgiving means that it is almost December, which brings Christmas and New Year's Eve. This year we are turning from 2011 into 2012. The year 2012 brings me back to 1998. Yes, way back in the late 1900s. What's so special about 1998? That would be the year I started high school. The year I was taking World History with Mr. Steiger (a name that will remain in my subconscious for a lifetime because of the various rumors maintained about him, one was that basically any girl who wore a skirt while giving a presentation was almost always guaranteed an A). In that World History class we learned about the early peoples including the Mayans. Yes, those crazy ancient peoples of South America that devised some interesting concepts, one being a system of mathematics, and the other the infamous Mayan calendar. I remember learning in that classroom about the end of the Mayan calendar ending in 2012. I remember sitting in that class we all thought about how old we'd be by the time 2012 came around (mind you this was 14 years ago, so 2012 seemed lightyears away). I remember thinking, Hmm I'll be 28 by then. Married with a child or two. Living a pretty good life. And now I sit here and it's almost 2012. I just turned 27 and that means next year is the big 28. Am I married? Nope. Children? not by a longshot. And this brings us to where I am at now. 

I know that I won't be single and childless forever (especially not if JP has anything to say about it), but I still can't help feeling that I haven't lived up to my own expectations, and that can be rather unsettling. It's one thing not meeting other's expectations, but when you fall short of your own, you feel infinitely worse. This could be why my relatively stable mental state has recently boarded a rollercoaster and decided to have a little fun with me. I figure the best way to deal with all of this would be to release the thoughts from my mind and instead see them live and in print. What better place than in a blog? So here it is. It may not be eloquent, and it may never spark a best seller or movie of the year. But if it helps me to retain my sanity a bit longer, I'm all for it. Who knows, maybe someone will stumble across this post accidentally and be helped by it. I don't know. All I do know is that I will type it out, and continue to type it out in subsequent blog entries, and then hit post, so that it remains a permanent mark in cyberspace, that can be reviewed and revisited whenever I, or anyone else, so chooses. 

Trick or Treat....southern style

If I have learned at least one thing in the four years I have lived in South Carolina it is this : They do everything a *little* bit different here. 

This Halloween my sister decided to go trick-or-treating after debating whether or not to go for the month before. Luckily, she was a bit crafty this year and made a costume out of things we had around the house (which was good since our budget is pretty sucky right now). My sister wanted to meet up with her friend to go around the neighborhood we've been to for past Halloween's here. The group consisted of myself, my mom, my sister, her friend, her friend's mom, aunt, uncle, cousin, cousin's husband, cousin's baby, and brother (along with brother's friends). Her friend's mom, despite being older than pretty much anyone approaching doors for candy, was on a mission for candy nonetheless. Now, let me preface the conversation to follow with the fact that yes, they are both blond. This is a real conversation between my sister's friend (A) and her mom (L):

   A: mom what did you get? 

   L: a lollipop

  A: what kind? 

   L: a blowpop

   A: what kind? 

   L: a blowpop*

*This exchange happened for a few question/responses more, and A never got the answer she was looking for, which was the FLAVOR of the blowpop. 

A favorite mode of transportation for peoples in the south: the golf cart. Clearly not just for golf courses anymore. Oh no. They are used as short-distance transportation devices, such as picking up a child from school in the same neighborhood, or in this case, trick-or-treating. And clearly they don't take their golf-carts lightly as I walked past one that had a stereo installed. I can just see someone now, cruising down the block at a whopping 8mph headbanging in their golf cart. 

My mom and I, of course, joked along the way at poked a bit of fun at the true southerners and their silly antics. 

Another one of our "traditions" (as my sister's friend's mom called it) was attending the free carnival/"fall festival" at the nearby Baptist church. There is nothing better than benefiting from the kindness of Baptists in cashing in on free food and drink. For the simple price of signing your name on a card and including your email address, you can enter the lawn near their church for a festival that includes a rock wall, a few carnival rides, a few carnival games, and free hot dogs and soda. I love the irony of children dressed up for Halloween (which some still view as a Pagan ritual) enjoying free stuff from a Baptist church. However, it's not totally free and clear. For a majority of the event their is a "worship band" or in the case of this Halloween, a screen and projector set up displaying some sort of photo display and "Jesus loves you" choruses in the background. 

Another fun thing to point out is the fact that the South, in it's supreme power, feels that it can delegate when and where to celebrate Halloween. Some neighborhoods declared that Sunday October 30 will be the date for Trick or Treating. Also, they make a majority, if not all, of the actions of the police departments public knowledge. They remind everyone of the regulations placed on registered sex offenders and those that are on parole for the Halloween festivities. They state at every opportunity that those who are on said lists will be required to remain indoors, and in many areas will be checked up on, but also that they are to not have their lights on and not give out candy. This led me to develop an interesting "game" for myself while trick or treating. The game was simple: when we passed a house with it's lights out, there were three options to guess: 

     1. They ran out of candy

     2. They don't believe in Halloween

     3. They are registered sex offenders on parole...WALK FASTER

I tried to invite my mom to play, but she denied and scolded me because apparently my voice travels and I should try not to offend people. 

Something else I have noted and laughed at in terms of living in this great state. When a major corporation, such as Boeing, BMW, or more recently, a pharmaceutical company decides to build a factory/production center/etc in our state, the governor beams at the thought that "They chose us. This is an amazing thing and we should be proud!". No, you shouldn't. When you list the other states that were vying for said corporation, there is one clear reason as to why they chose us: CHEAP LABOR. This state is not very kind to it's workers (to put it nicely). The conditions are sub-par, the wages are as well. Of course a major corporation is going to move their offices/production to a state where there is little concern for blue-collared and minimum-waged workers. It's simple economics. Less money paid to employees=Larger profit/bottom line for corporation. Sure the state is going to make a bit of money off of the project, but it doesn't do the people any good. 

Ok, enough of the ranting. I just had to get some of that stuff out since it's been so long since my last blog. The more that I talk to JP and look at houses in Maine, the more I can't wait to get out of here. The cons greatly outnumber the pros (which are basically only the weather and the cost of living). Despite my mother's nay-saying as to the present and future relationship of myself and JP, I continue to hold my head up high and remain optimistic. He loves me exactly the way that I am, even knowing all of my faults. How often does that come along? We can talk for hours on end, share similar interests, and most important of all, want to build a relationship that will last. It may not have been a very conventional "courtship", but then again, what is these days? People date for years upon years, only to get married then divorced withing the first 3 years. There are others that date only a few months and are married decades. No one can really pinpoint what is right and wrong when it comes to relationships. I just know that all of the ones I have been in up until now have not worked, and the reasons why they did not work. The things that were missing from those relationships are ever present in JP. We communicate well. We make each other laugh, smile, and feel good about ourselves. I look forward to the crazy whirlwind that is to come. 

        

Happy Birthday to me :)

As the title of this blog entry suggests, today is my birthday. My 27th birthday to be exact. It's strange because it doesn't feel like a birthday, at least not in the sense that we're used to as kids. When I was younger, my birthday was exciting. I started counting down at least a month before and made sure everyone around me was aware of the date. (After all, a majority of my birthdays existed in a pre-Facebook-reminder era). For example:

10 YEARS AGO.....

It was my 17th birthday. I was counting down the final week that stood between me and my drivers license (which I got on Halloween that year). I was a senior in high school starting to look at colleges. I can't remember what I did for my actual birthday, but I know that it was in a time where multiple birthday parties existed (one for friends, one for family, and then the cake on my actual birthday). I'm sure all of my friends got together and we either did something at the house or all went to the movies or something.

20 YEARS AGO....

It was my 7th birthday. My reign as an "only child" was coming to an end (my mom was pregnant with my sister at the time, whom entered our lives on June 20, 1992). I had just started school in a public school, changing from the Catholic school I attended for Kindergarten and 1st grade (the school had closed, and we moved from our tiny apartment to a two-family across from my new school). I was taking ballet/tap/jazz classes with Ms. Brown (may she rest in peace) and more than likely had a birthday party including new school friends and people from my dance class.

There have been a few constants in terms of Birthday celebrations over the years, despite changes in circumstances:

1) The birthday girl always gets to choose where to go for dinner (when I was younger, it might have been choosing what we had for dinner, but I don't remember too much from that point).

This year I chose Yamato's (hibachi)

2) The birthday girl always gets "control" of things such as tv/radio/what movies to watch on their birthday.

3) Choice of birthday cake (I used to go for the ice cream cake, then it was yellow cake with chocolate frosting and bananas, and now since I've been living in the south it is red velvet with cream cheese icing).

Here is an old-school pic from a birthday party

Most of my birthdays have gone really well. There were a few that had a bit of a bumpy ride. For example:

• When I was younger (somewhere between 8-12) I had a pinata and one of my friends was accidentally given a black eye by another friend at the party (damn blindfolds and wiffle ball bats). 
• My 21st birthday was a bunch of crap: my mom was sick so my parents and sisters didn't come out for my birthday dinner (I was away at school), my bf at the time didn't care if we did anything for my birthday because it was "just another day on the calendar" and ended up being guilted into taking me to dinner, where I proceeded to cry...
• My 23rd birthday was spent as my first day as a waitress (after moving to South Carolina only weeks earlier)



the location at which I was a waitress  

One thing I can say is that I have gotten some pretty good birthday gifts. At 13, my mom got me birthstone earrings. At 21, I got a necklace and matching earrings. Somewhere around my 20th or 21st birthday my best friend (and a future bf) took me to get my belly button pierced (strangest gift to date, and it came out about a year later..it clearly didn't want to be there). I've always loved the cards I've gotten from friends and family as well. 

Now, a rant about birthdays in this 21st century of ours: Facebook is the devil when it comes to birthdays. Of course it works to my advantage because they politely remind me when friends and friends-of-friends/acquaintances have birthdays, but it leaves me skeptical on my birthday. How many people on my friends list actually know my birthday? How many of them do I talk to on a somewhat regular basis? How many are writing on my wall simply to look good and have no interest in the fact that it's my birthday? Either way, it is kind of fun to see all the people that post on your wall. 

Oh, and one more rant: the one thing I want for my birthday I can't have. At least not right now. That would be something that I can keep forever, that will love me unconditionally (although sometimes they might not exactly want to), and that is currently thousands of miles away: JP. Two simple letters. But one not-so-simple individual. Not that it's a bad thing. While it sucks that he can't be here for this birthday, he promises (and I will hold him to it) that he will be there for every birthday to follow (as well as Thanksgivings, Christmases, New Year's Eves, etc). He is the sweetest man I have known. We both know that what we have is the reason why no other relationships of ours have worked. It's because we were both passing time to get to this one. 

And another random birthday picture (can you find me?)