Updates and Missed messages

I thought that once I started writing a blog that ideas and words would come out easily, as I always have plenty of thoughts in my head. But, it seems that once I am sitting in front of the computer, I have no words. Everything I have thought of that day seems inconsequential and meaningless and not worthy of a new blog entry. Because of this I have succumbed to a pattern of "if you don't have anything good to blog, don't blog at all" and therefore I have gone days between blog entries. 


Maybe it has to do with the fact that every detail is always so up-in-the-air that it doesn't make sense to write about only one, but explaining every possibility would be terribly dry and boring. 


Plus, there is my old standby response which is if something becomes too difficult or seemingly burdensome, walk away. Sadly enough a good analogy here would be the various games on Facebook. They are interesting and new at first, and then after a while there is too much upkeep. What happens then? Those games go stale by the wayside and I'm left looking for a new thing. But how feasible is that kind of behavior in real life? I have found out that when it comes to "fight or flight", my "flight" side is well exercised but I couldn't fight my way out of a wet paper bag. (I would probably just sit in the bag and wait for it to dissolve around me and then walk away. 


Enough of my rhetorical rambling and saying a lot but nothing at the same time and get down to what's really going on. On the one hand, I am almost done with my paralegal program and will soon be able to start looking for jobs. I also have a sweet, smart, funny guy JP in my life that makes me smile. The down side of that? I'm in SC, and he's in AZ. He's been studying like crazy so he can take the boards he needs to pass to be an LPN. Once that happens it will be easier for him to come back to South Carolina. However, once back in South Carolina, we will all be living under one roof for the time being. How long will that be? I don't know. That changes by the day. Some days I feel like throwing my hands up and conceding to life in the South. Other days I want to run to I-95 and keep heading north until I hit the NJ Parkway. My family is no help either. My little sister doesn't want to leave here until she's done with high school. Most days, my mom wants to move before she starts high school (and avoid being locked in for another 4 years). My other sister (who lives with her boyfriend and his mom and siblings a majority of the time) keeps bouncing around like Tigger on speed. One day she wants to be in California, another she's talking about Clemson (which she asked my opinion on since I attended (though did not graduate) from the University of South Carolina, sworn enemies of Clemson although I didn't even care that I "was a gamecock" and she was looking to be a tiger. my thoughts screamed "no that means we'll be stuck here longer!!!). The one thing about having a close family is that it is both a blessing and a curse. On the blessing side, we have a tendency to stick together. However, sticking together often gets complicated when we all want to do different things at the same time. 


ANYWAY...


Then there is the fact that for whatever reason my little sister despises my very existence and makes it clear at all parts of the day. Every comment or interaction from her to me involves a curse word or some dig at my physical appearance (I am by no means fat, but that doesn't stop her from being a brat). Another frustration that is consistently looming in our household is finance, and more appropriately, debt. Some times I wish I was strong enough to just run. Pack up what I would need and just run. But that's not me (at least not when it comes to my mom and sisters). The thing about having a good deal of debt is that you often must compromise and sacrifice. Some of us in the house are better at it than others. When certain people want something they can not have, they do not accept it and walk away. OH NO. They whine and call names and guilt trip and woe-is-me and kick and scream until one of the others offers to sell bodily organs just to shut her up. AND these are the same days that I don't want JP anywhere near our house which just saddens me more because that means we'll be apart longer that we already have and will be in the near future. Then I think about the whole thing with JP and wonder if I'm crazy or being foolish. We talk all the time. We get along well, share similar interests, are both quite intelligent. But then it hits me, why is someone like him willing to stall out on other things he could be doing to instead succumb to that which is my household. I want to run to him and push him away all in the same thought. One minute I'm smiling and happy that he asked me about having a "date" where we go on a virtual tour of the MET in NYC (one of my favorite museums, and somewhere he has not been) and the next minute I'm rethinking everything. 


Even now as I type I look at the clock and it's 11:31. I'm 31 minutes late for our virtual date. There is a text on my phone that I'm sure is from him but I haven't looked at my phone and there was an IM that just came up a few minutes ago that I minimized like it was a pop-up ad for Pepsi. Is he really willing to put himself in this situation simply to be with me? The neurotic, anxiety-riddled, near 27 year old child that won't leave home and doesn't have her own life? Maybe I'm not the only crazy one here.